The latest bit of blue-sky thinking from HMRC is how wonderful everything would be if it ran the payrolls of all the businesses in the land. No more coding notices, P45’s, P35’s, etc etc, PAYE and NIC liabilities settled by Direct Debit – a paradise of efficient tax management.

One has to wonder, what planet are they on? This is the organisation that, when it loses data, does it in spades, runs a bureaucracy where those within it don’t know what their colleagues are doing, whose Complaints Division writes letters stating “The Online Customer Service Team is committed to providing high-quality services” but then ignores the complaint itself, whose most senior official doesn’t acknowledge failings within his department identified by all and sundry – I could go on, but you get the drift.

Anyone in business in the real world knows just how crucial it is that employees are paid the right amount at the right time. Whatever else you do in business, you don’t play fast and loose with employees’ pay. If there’s an error, it’s today’s problem, not tomorrow’s. You don’t park it on a backburner in the corner, you prioritise it right now and get it sorted.

Picture the scenario – HMRC’s National Payroll Administration system goes live online. As the employer you register for it, and await with baited breath the arrival of the Activation Code. Why an Activation Code? – because that’s the tried and tested mechanism HMRC has adopted for VAT Online Services. Seven business days pass, no Activation Code – you call the Helpline. You hang on for 10 minutes listening to the latest completely irrelevant prerecorded message you can’t escape, then the message telling you about HMRC’s wonderful Online Services accessible at www.hmrc.gov.uk, and eventually, if you’re very lucky, you get to speak to a real person – who tells you to reapply – online. Seven more days – no code. Try the Helpline again, they don’t know what the problem is, they never do – this goes on for weeks. Eventually you find out that somewhere within the bowels of bureaucracy, someone has flagged your business as a “missing trader” – this occurs if a letter addressed to your business is returned to HMRC – AND NO-ONE AT HMRC HAS NOTICED THE FLAG!!

Let’s assume you eventually do get enrolled for the service. You then upload your data – staff details, gross pay, commissions due, Student Loan deduction, AVC’s, expenses reimbursement – where do you put expenses reimbursement? It isn’t there, HMRC didn’t think your payroll may do more than just take off tax and National Insurance. So you have to change your well-established structures to accommodate the limitations within HMRC’s so-called blanket coverage.

Eventually everything gets entered, the payroll gets processed – and a queue of aggrieved employees forms outside your door. One by one they troop in, show you their e-payslips – they’re wrong, wrong, wrong! But how can you deal with it? You can’t pop down to your payroll administrator / HR person and get an answer, because the error seems to have occurred within the system – HMRC’s system, not yours. It’s back to the Helpdesk – who advise you to write to their Complaints Team – who send you a letter saying “The Online Customer Service Team is committed to providing high-quality services” but ignore your complaint ……….

Remember those paintings by Hieronymous Bosch? The ones that look like Bedlam? He’d have a field day with this.